Gather Round Kids for a Tale that will shock, horrify and titilate you

So apparently Eugene Delgaudio, who is the District Supervisor for Sterling, VA has sent a letter to his fellow Americans asking for donations to combat the Radical Homosexual agenda. In his letter he includes a terrifying story of his own recent confrontation with Radical Homosexuals(!!). You can read about it here. I have found his story too compelling to not add my own commentary. Please see below - our nation is in a crisis!

One stormy night I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I'd heard something was up and wanted to see for myself.

Oooh – I love a good story and this one has all the fixings: thunderstorms, a deserted warehouse and the hunch of our rogue hero.

As I rounded the final turn my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around running forklifts, inserters and huge printing presses.

Alright that wasn’t quite the build-up I was expecting. Tractor-trailers can be scary though, especially in a deserted area on a stormy night. Of course these long-haired, earring-pierced men (were they pirates?) must have been shady characters. I mean, what sort of people don’t cut their hair and get body piercings? No person I want to hang out with that is for sure. I’m sure those trailers contained some sort of terrible government experiment gone wrong or body parts from the description here.

Also, printing presses? Are those what people use when xerox machines aren’t up to par for their nefarious purposes?

Trembling with worry I went inside. It was worse than I ever imagined.

I am on the edge of my seat here, Eugene, especially at the thought of a great man such as yourself trembling at the sight of forklifts.

Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling.

Wait… what? I mean…. oooooh scary! Petitions. Man, you were sure brave to be there in the face of all of those petitions (which you knew what they were, I’m assuming, by tearing apart a box in a terrified frenzy). Also, stacked to the ceiling of what? You never mentioned going inside anywhere. I’m sure you just ducked inside to take cover from the stormy night weather outside.

My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers. And still more petitions were flying off the press.

This conspiracy is larger than I could ever imagine! I mean a standard paper box carries at least 6 reams of paper (500 pages each). That means that each box had at leat 3000 petitions, and, assuming that each petition page had room for 20 or so signatures (I’m lowballing it here), and you saw at least 800 boxes that means that the homosexual agenda has reached 48 MILLION people!!! That’s one sixth of the US population! We’re obviously in a crisis.

Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, "Delgaudio what are you doing here?" Dozens of men began moving toward me. I'd been recognized.

As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, "This time Delgaudio we can't lose."

How did they recognize you? Weren’t you wearing your clever disguise?

Driving away, my eyes filled with tears as I realized he might be right. This time the Radical Homosexuals could win.

This time. Just another case of the lone hero fighting his nemisis over and over again. You really are admirable to continue to go head to head against these radical homosexuals. In fact, it’s superhero-like. Maybe we should get you a costume? Latex perhaps?

You see, even though homosexuals are just 1% of the population, if every one sent a petition to Congress it would generate a tidal wave of two or three million petitions or more.

This is especially terrifying because we know how petitions shape policy because they are so valued by those who work on Capitol Hill.

Hundreds of thousands of pro-homosexual petitions will soon flood Congress , and my friends in Congress tell me there's virtually nothing on Capitol Hill from the tens of millions of Americans like you who oppose the radical Homosexual Agenda and the Gay Bill of Special Rights.

Tens of millions of Americans who oppose gay rights have been silenced! Obviously their first ammendment rights have been violated! Quick! Call someone who can help, preferably with a bunch of lawyers who fight for citizens rights! No, not the ACLU!

I made up my mind that night to write to you and as many other patriotic Americans as possible. To stop the Radical Homosexuals and protect traditional marriage there must be an immediate outpouring from folks like you.

I like this capitalization choice for Radical Homosexuals. Obviously they are a proper noun. Can we call them RH for short? It could be pronounce “rrrrrrrh”, which actually fits quite well with your pirate scenario.

My Two Cents on Iran

So, unless you have been living under a rock for the past week, you are at least aware that this country called Iran is having some major events take place. I am not here to summarize what is going on as much better summaries and research are already available on the internet (actually Fark.com, known for its snarkiness, has one of the best ongoing threads right now – each complete with an early summary of other threads). I will, however, use this space to express a few thoughts, especially since no one will read this.

For those interpreting the demonstrations as rallies against Islamism – you are misguided. It is indeed possible for the protestors to be fighting for justice, human rights, fair elections and Islam all at once. Looking at the parallels between these uprisings and those of the 1979 revolution (educated class and student-led, cyclical patterns of organization, attacks based on politics versus religious rhetoric, etc.) religion is not likely to leave the state of Iran whether the movement is successful or not. The tone of martyrdom and religious justice is very much a part of the rallies that we are seeing and the reasons people are giving for fighting the government (see the tragic case of Neda or look at the cries coming from the rooftops).

Furthermore, the advocacy for separating “church” and state is not likely to come into play. While Iran has its religious minorities, its two major populations, the Persians and Azeris, are overwhelmingly Shia. Both populations have a history where centuries of court systems and justice are rooted in religious infrastructure. Embracing secularism according to Western interpretation is simply not in the vocabulary of many Iranians at the moment (aside from the communists who survived post-revolution purging).

What is interesting about the past few days is that the clerical leadership has been far from unanimously siding with Ayatollah Khameini. Particularly the targeting of Mr. Rafsanjani’s family in arrests indicates that the religious leadership of Iran is divided and the current regime feels threatened. For those unfamiliar with Shi’ism, Khameini is not the equivalent of the pope. He is extremely powerful and influential and has millions of followers (this cannot be understated). However, there are 28 other Grand Ayatollahs who (theoretically) hold the same religious authority as Khameini, and generally a Shia community will follow the teachings and advice of one ayatollah. This is not to say that Khameini and the other Ayatollahs directly compete with each other – many are located outside of Iran and several (such as Ayatollah Sistani in Iraq) are especially wary of using their position to make political gains. The point is that Khameini, who holds a position much more powerful than the Iranian presidency, is not invulnerable to internal clerical criticism or external political upheaval.

In any case I pray for the safety of those who have the courage to demonstrate even after the not-so-veiled threats of Ayatollah Khameini. Iran’s political crisis does not look to be resolved any time in the near future. If the current regime prevails they have two options: reform or increase oppression to silence their critics. The latter will likely only delay a future, more bloody confrontation while the former requires a sacrifice of the current power monopoly. If the reform movement succeeds then all bets are off.

By the way - I've decided to use this blog to comment more on events of interest than my own life as I've realized how boring my life actually is. Periodically I will write about life in DC and school and such, but I'm going to be mixing things up since the last blog was in January and I clearly have been left uninspired for months.

-C

Hip hugging Hipsters and Political Posers

I realize I am a failure at writing more than once a week (if that). I figure that I have to wait until I have at least one reader before I attempt consistency. Petty I know, but I’m writing this for the (future) glory that I may achieve in the blogosphere (I learned a new word!) not to better my soul.

This week: a continuation of DC University types:

Type 3: The Hipster

Hipsters can be both male and female. In fact the closer these individuals come to appearing androgynous the happier they become. Typical uniform is skinny jeans, camper shoes, T-shirt (white or from some previously unheard of band) and deceptively expensive sun glasses.

• Majors: Music, International Affairs (especially European Studies), Theater, Philosophy, Film
• Jobs: Hipsters will try to find an “out of the box” job in which they either (a) get dirty or (b) meet a lot of “creative” people or (c) can criticize the musical tastes of everyone else. You can find them commonly employed at the school’s radio station, the local record shop or and independent film league. Although they do not plan to be dependent on their parents for life, Hipsters are in denial and romanticize poverty and “realness” before paying $50 for the latest Elvis Costello gear. (NOTE: Elvis Costello may be too popular now to be considered hipster. Please forgive the reference from a non-Hipster)
• Hang-Outs: The local free-trade, all organic coffee bar (Starbucks is a big no-no)
• Night Life: Get buzzed off of Pabst. Argue with friends over the relevance of bands like the Mountaingoats. Trek across town to a basement show of a local band, which will be totally off-kilter and original. Come home to the nice side of town and complain about how bland life is.
• Bookbag: IPod, Macbook, philosophical light reading and extra pair of sunglasses.
• Class Behavior: Usually present in class. Hipsters are students who like to drop in obscure references no matter what the topic of conversation is. They tend to sit in the middle of class and make snarky comments either on the futileness of education or how the class has become hypnotized by consumerism.
• Typical Expression: Raised eyebrows and snarky grin.
  

Type 4: The Politician

This is a special breed to DC schools. The Politician will often introduce himself as the next president. He is unabashedly partisan and likely to be a leader of the university political clubs. In fact his position in the leadership of said clubs is a popular topic of conversation and measure of his importance.

• Majors: Political Science, Government, International Affairs, Prick 101
• Jobs: Anything less than Capitol Hill is usually unacceptable. Unpaid government internships are ok if from the big three (Department of State, Department of Defense, White House). Also, working for a lobbying group can be a possibility, but only after a Capitol Hill internship.
• Hang-Outs: Starbucks, student debate meetings, student council meetings (it’s not just for high school anymore)
• Night Life: Happy hour after/during work, which then migrates to the local bar (Hawk & Dove is a favorite and can always be trusted to be teeming with these (not real) Politicians).
• Bookbag: Blackberry (why anyone needs a blackberry and constant access to e-mail for a job/internship in which his primary task is fetching coffee and giving tours is beyond me), Mac computer, IPod
• Class Behavior: Avoid at all costs in the classroom. If said Politician is left leaning all problems discussed in class will be Bush’s fault. If Politician is right leaning all issues will be a conspiracy of the radical left agenda (including the one that permeates the university).
• Typical Expression: It’s too hard to read the expression of someone who’s always talking
  

Expect another post in the next couple of days to let you know about the Inauguration or Shit Show 2009 as I like to call it.

-C

Everybody loves a series of posts (and I don't have to come up with new ideas for awhile)

So – Second post ever in a blog I’ll never keep up I decided to go over the types of people you find in DC universities – having gone to two of them I think I have a pretty good grasp. Today we will go over a couple of key types. More to come….

Type 1: The (Insert Acronym Here) Princess

This girl can be found at any school, but the species tends to cluster at those with tuitions about 30K a year. Designer clothes, bags and shoes are especially important to these individuals as they tend to identify each other by these items. Big sunglasses are a must.
Majors: Communications, Psychology, Speech and Hearing Sciences, Generic pre-Law or pre-Med

• Jobs: Princesses do not work. For them money is a gift and it’s always from other people (usually Daddy). This belief extends to relationships and future marriages
• Hang-outs: Starbucks, Spas, and Sorority Houses
• Night Life: Going out to an expensive club in a mini dress (note: wardrobe for this activity does not change regardless of weather). Drunk dialing crush of the week and crying on the street if said crush does not respond.
• Bookbag: Designer bag with just enough room to fit a notebook and pen.
• Class Behavior: When these girls come to class they tend to sit with one or two of their kind, glare at anyone near them and flirt with the cute TA.
• Typical Expression: pout
  
  
  Type 2: The Frat Boy

These boys can be found at nearly every campus in the US. They have ranking amongst themselves and their fraternities that is dependant on campus, alcohol tolerance, girlfriend hotness and party popularity. Uniform is shorts and a t-shirt, preferably a polo of a pink or purple shade.

• Majors: Psychology, Political Science, Beer, Business
• Jobs: Like Princesses Frat Boys rarely have outside jobs, but some may take up a 10 hour a week internship under pressure from his advisor
• Hang-Outs: The house and designated frat bar.
• Night Life: Spend all day cleaning (read: stuffing shit in closets) for the party, picking up the keg, supervising the door to keep ugly chicks out, playing beer pong for an hour, dancing to songs like “Blinded by the Light” against girls (the younger the better), and either bringing conquest up to his room for the night or passing out on the dance floor. Regardless of outcome the reaction the next morning will be a consensus that the evening was “awesome.”
• Bookbag: Spare hat, notebooks from all weekly classes. ½ ton of loose pages half crumpled in the bottom.
• Class Behavior: Rarely to be sighted in class on anything but exam and paper days. However, if in class this boy will be seated in the back either asleep or playing games on a lap top.
• Typical Expression: Blank Stare or Smirk

Th-th-th-th-That's all Folks!

would celebrate, but i can't afford the champaign

Alright. I have turned in the last set of papers for the semester. My first semester of grad school is officially over.

In celebration of this achievement found a renewed sense of energy, danced around in my underwear, did some cartwheels and decided to start a blog. Actually I came home and slept for 10 hours and then decided to start a blog, but what I wrote first sounds so much more interesting.

I catalogued my papers for this semester and have found out that I wrote around 115 pages between all my classes. So, what’s another page and a half every few days?

My essays included:
Three 15 pagers on various issues in Iraq
Two 7 page international theory papers
One 20 page paper on the Azeris in Iran
One 20 page paper on made-up political science-y words
Seven 2-3 page quick overviews written an hour before class on fairly ambiguous topics
One 9 page Take-home exam on various topics


Wow – even writing that down made me tired. Ah – well that’s what grad school’s about, right? Right? …

Now I’m done! Finito! Khalas! I have no idea how my grades will turn out, but no one cares about GPA anyway.
This is a lie, but I’m telling it to myself until I figure out how badly I sucked.

That’s all I have for now. I’m sure as I get bloggified my posts will (marginally) improve.

- C