Gather Round Kids for a Tale that will shock, horrify and titilate you

So apparently Eugene Delgaudio, who is the District Supervisor for Sterling, VA has sent a letter to his fellow Americans asking for donations to combat the Radical Homosexual agenda. In his letter he includes a terrifying story of his own recent confrontation with Radical Homosexuals(!!). You can read about it here. I have found his story too compelling to not add my own commentary. Please see below - our nation is in a crisis!

One stormy night I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I'd heard something was up and wanted to see for myself.

Oooh – I love a good story and this one has all the fixings: thunderstorms, a deserted warehouse and the hunch of our rogue hero.

As I rounded the final turn my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around running forklifts, inserters and huge printing presses.

Alright that wasn’t quite the build-up I was expecting. Tractor-trailers can be scary though, especially in a deserted area on a stormy night. Of course these long-haired, earring-pierced men (were they pirates?) must have been shady characters. I mean, what sort of people don’t cut their hair and get body piercings? No person I want to hang out with that is for sure. I’m sure those trailers contained some sort of terrible government experiment gone wrong or body parts from the description here.

Also, printing presses? Are those what people use when xerox machines aren’t up to par for their nefarious purposes?

Trembling with worry I went inside. It was worse than I ever imagined.

I am on the edge of my seat here, Eugene, especially at the thought of a great man such as yourself trembling at the sight of forklifts.

Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling.

Wait… what? I mean…. oooooh scary! Petitions. Man, you were sure brave to be there in the face of all of those petitions (which you knew what they were, I’m assuming, by tearing apart a box in a terrified frenzy). Also, stacked to the ceiling of what? You never mentioned going inside anywhere. I’m sure you just ducked inside to take cover from the stormy night weather outside.

My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers. And still more petitions were flying off the press.

This conspiracy is larger than I could ever imagine! I mean a standard paper box carries at least 6 reams of paper (500 pages each). That means that each box had at leat 3000 petitions, and, assuming that each petition page had room for 20 or so signatures (I’m lowballing it here), and you saw at least 800 boxes that means that the homosexual agenda has reached 48 MILLION people!!! That’s one sixth of the US population! We’re obviously in a crisis.

Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, "Delgaudio what are you doing here?" Dozens of men began moving toward me. I'd been recognized.

As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, "This time Delgaudio we can't lose."

How did they recognize you? Weren’t you wearing your clever disguise?

Driving away, my eyes filled with tears as I realized he might be right. This time the Radical Homosexuals could win.

This time. Just another case of the lone hero fighting his nemisis over and over again. You really are admirable to continue to go head to head against these radical homosexuals. In fact, it’s superhero-like. Maybe we should get you a costume? Latex perhaps?

You see, even though homosexuals are just 1% of the population, if every one sent a petition to Congress it would generate a tidal wave of two or three million petitions or more.

This is especially terrifying because we know how petitions shape policy because they are so valued by those who work on Capitol Hill.

Hundreds of thousands of pro-homosexual petitions will soon flood Congress , and my friends in Congress tell me there's virtually nothing on Capitol Hill from the tens of millions of Americans like you who oppose the radical Homosexual Agenda and the Gay Bill of Special Rights.

Tens of millions of Americans who oppose gay rights have been silenced! Obviously their first ammendment rights have been violated! Quick! Call someone who can help, preferably with a bunch of lawyers who fight for citizens rights! No, not the ACLU!

I made up my mind that night to write to you and as many other patriotic Americans as possible. To stop the Radical Homosexuals and protect traditional marriage there must be an immediate outpouring from folks like you.

I like this capitalization choice for Radical Homosexuals. Obviously they are a proper noun. Can we call them RH for short? It could be pronounce “rrrrrrrh”, which actually fits quite well with your pirate scenario.